I LOST COUNT of the number of times I lost my temper this week. Biting off Chad's head just because he asked me about something on the shared Google calendar. Arguing with Michaela over pajamas (to name just one out of a million things we argued about). I got my period and started to feel better. The punchiness went away. But the sadness lingered.
It's dark outside. And cold. I got a letter from the Cook County Sheriff's office with a new court date for my action on November 7th. The 47th president is still . . . president. You get the gist.
The last time I sent this newsletter was two weeks ago, two days before Alex Pretti was gunned down in Minneapolis in broad daylight by federal agents, while he was facedown, hands above his head, on the pavement. The previous Sunday, in honor of Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday, I spoke to my fellow members at the Secular Jewish Sunday School about my decision to participate in an act of civil disobedience. I talked about due process, why standing up for my neighbors is important to me. But the words felt hollow. It was later, after Pretti died, after watching the iPhone footage of his execution over and over again in disbelief, that I remembered that initial feeling of unease, when ICE started kidnapping people just blocks from my house. I was shocked by the casual disregard for the law, or maybe I should say I was shocked by the blatant, make that flagrant, even flamboyant disregard for the law. But what really worried me was my response. How quickly I adapted. How easy it was for me to dehumanize people, to look vaguely alarmed while white SUVs patrolled our streets, looking for people to grab. I jumped at the chance to do something—not because I felt terrible, but because I didn't feel anything at all. I was unnerved by how meager my feelings were. I think what this really is is a lack of agency. Feeling numb because you feel helpless. But I couldn't put that into words until now.
I'm losing the thread. I started out writing about Seasonal Affective Disorder, and landed on despair from sensory shutdown. When you are so overwhelmed by all the badness that you just go numb. The antidote, I have heard, is to take some kind of action that will hopefully make a difference. I'm no seasoned activist; I'm an art critic and I make cartoons. But the past couple of months, getting out of my comfort zone and going to a protest in below freezing weather, or making a sign, or calling on my legislators to defund ICE, has made me feel better. And honestly, these days, I am satisfied if I feel anything at all.
(I am not sure where Michaela learned the word "cliche" particularly in the context of a protest! Full of surprises, that one.)
Three Things Keeping Me Going This Week
Martinez is a Montessori school teacher's assistant who was on her way to donate clothes to a church when she intervened with ICE agents to prevent a kidnapping and was shot five times as a result. I'm so impressed and inspired by her bravery. From the article: "Good and Pretti no longer have a voice . . . but Martinez does. And she plans to use it. 'I am their voice,' Martinez said, 'I am here for a reason'."
- It Was the Most Violent Prison in America. Then the Guards Went on Strike, by Lauren Lee White for GQ.
Bezos may have finally decimated The Washington Post once and for all but legacy media is still capable of putting out excellent journalism. This story of a time when the inmates took over a prison is important for all sorts of reasons but I was surprised (and glad) to see the writer mention how poorly prison guards are treated. The entangled misery of prison guards and incarcerated people, White writes, tells us "how the state values the life of its subjects, that the state understands both prisoners and guards to be disposable.”
Speaking of prison culture, guess which Florida senator receives the most funding from private prison corporations? (Psst, it's Rick Scott.)
The New Yorker
Artist moves to remote location, leaves the Internet behind, adopts many adorable animals. Can't lie: this kind of life appeals to me. Except for having to defend yourself against crazies. That part not so much.
Action Item
A family of five, including five-year-old twins, has been held in detention for eight months. Their community in Colorado Springs is now raising money to fight for their return. Please consider donating to the legal fees.
This Week in Mushroom News
- Tiny people emerge when you eat magic mushrooms! It's true. Science confirms.
Rachel Nuwer
- "Fungi and children both require an incredible amount of patience. And that’s what science demands — patience, but also just awe. I’m getting goose bumps saying that because I believe it so firmly. With fungi and with children, too, we discover something every single day."
Enjoyed this interview with an award-winning mycologist.
Minutiae
Bianca was recently telling me about an app she uses called Minutiae that has you document your life once a day always at a different time of day and then shares a picture with you of another user's picture. (She said a lot of them were of people's computers, which makes sense, since during the day most of us are at work.) The goal is to show other people our real lives and how they are not as glamorous or exciting as the curated images we post on social media. I thought about this on February 1st when I tried to participate in what is known as Hourly Comic Day, when you're supposed to make a comic every hour about whatever is happening to you in that moment. (I think. I don't really know how strict the rules are about content, or even if there are any rules.) Here are a few from my Sunday.
Reader, if you made it this far...well, I honestly wish I could give you a reward! But seriously, I appreciate you so much. Thank you for being here.
Til next week,
Love,
Claire
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